Bigfoot Exorcist (2024)

 

Subject:  Bigfoot Exorcist

Year:  2024

Director:  Donald Farmer

Run Time:  about an hour, with another ten minutes added at the end

Cast:  Jessa Flux, Jocephus Brody, Dixie Gers

Genre:  bigfoots

Skin:  you saw who the star is, didn't you?

Blood:  they tried.  Not hard, but they tried

Rating:  2/5

The Story:

There's a Satanic cult in the woods trying to summon bigfoot - or something.  Joggers and various other victims find their way amongst the trees and are quickly eaten while the cult chants in the woods and some people nearby rent cabins.

Meanwhile a few nuns hang around a local graveyard and...pray to tombstones?  I guess they couldn't find a church that would let them film in it.  They're looking to get rid of demons, which is apparently what bigfoot is, though it is also kind of like a werewolf, spreading bigfootism through bites and scrapes.

I don't know.

Other than everybody being in the woods this one doesn't have much of a story.  People enter the woods, bigfoot is in the woods, people die.  Or get raped and end up with a Humanoids from the Deep-style delivery scene.

Though that's kind of an insult to the all-time classic Humanoids from the Deep.

Review:

I knew when the first girl was being chased through the woods in a red bra, and her chest was heaving to the rhythm of the music, what I was in for.  And I was happy.

Filmed for an alleged $2000 when a Kickstarter for $10,000 fell through, Bigfoot Exorcist is exactly what it says it is, while being nothing at all like what I was expecting.  Other than being a Farmer flick, which if you know, you unfortunately know.

Lots of shots of people wandering around in the woods, a few quick deaths with the patented "smear around the red syrup" gore, a Halloween costume (complete with very, very visible eye holes and back zipper) for the monster, and some folks who can't really act trying to act.  God bless 'em, one and all.

Obviously this isn't what anyone would consider a good movie, and how could it be on that budget?  It is an entertaining movie though, even just to laugh at, and the heart is in the right place.  Farmer was trying to make an actual movie here, and like usual he failed, but he was actually trying and that comes through.  A lot of these cheap flicks you can tell are just for a laugh, but this one comes off as genuine, which is both rare and endearing.

It doesn't make it a good movie though.

What does make it a good movie - at least in part - is the top billed star, Jessa Flux, who again gives her all (and shows her all) for a shoestring budget piece.  Her dedication to this sort of thing never ceases to impress me, and like usual she's easily the best part of the whole thing.  And I'm not just saying that because she goes full frontal.

Though that did help.  A lot.

What didn't help was Farmer padding the runtime by leaving his shots linger on bad special effects, people chanting (they say "Holy Satan" somewhere in the vicinity of 300 times), people walking, people just standing there, and some of the worst gore effects ever put to film.  Sure this padding added a minute or two to your movie, but if you hadn't lingered on the costume and lit it a little better it wouldn't have looked so bad.

Same deal with the intestines that a) were obviously plastic, b) had a string hanging from the end of them you could clearly see and, c) were nowhere near going into the immobile mouth on the bigfoot mask.

I did love the scene of both the nun and the bigfoot crying during the exorcism though.  That was fucking art.

Drop that padding and linger on the shower scene a little more, and you'd be in business.  Come on Donald, you've been around long enough to know that.  30 seconds of shower scene is much, much better than 30 seconds of close-ups on the Spirit Halloween mask and a the hard plastic internal organs.

If you dig this kind of thing and know what you're in for, you'll dig Bigfoot Exorcist.  If you just want to see Jessa show her naked body off (she's as hairless as the monster is hairy, if you know what I mean and I think you do), you'll dig bigfoot Exorcist.  If you want an actual movie with an actual plot and actual actors and actual special effects...well, you should know better by now.

I'm still calling this one a 2 out of 5.  I've seen a lot worse made with a lot more money.  Check it out.

Slashlorette Party (2020)

 Subject:  Slashlorette Party

Year:  2020

Director:  Paul Ragsdale

Run Time:  78 mins

Cast:  Molly Souza, Krystal Shay, Katee Hudson, Drew Marvick

Genre:  slasher/comedy

Skin:  a lot of teasing - until the strippers show up

Blood:  hell yeah

Rating:  3.5/5

The Story:

We've got one of the oldest and strongest slasher movie motifs on the go here, kids.  A group of young people head out to a cabin in the middle of nowhere to party and a masked maniac (or two...or three) show up to cockblock them and make them pay for something they really weren't responsible for to begin with.

It worked in 1980, it works in 2020.  If it ain't broke, don't fix it.  Or add jokes to it...

So, we have a couple getting married and all the boys and girls are headed out to party.  Strippers are on the way, liquor's flowing like water, and none of the women have pants that fit over their asses.  Ain't life grand?

As the night drags on and the bodies pile up we learn about secret lesbian love, abusive asshole boyfriends, psychiatric problems, chronic shyness, and the limits (or lack there of) of a mother's love.

Dummies head out to the woods.  Killers are in the woods.  A story as old as time.

Review:

What do you get when you cross Alice, Sweet Alice with Alone in the Dark (1982), tack on a bunch of Friday the 13th inspired kills, and top it off with a crazy pornstar?  A roundhouse kick to the jaw that'll rock your VCR into next week.  You also get Slashlorette Party - kind of.

Very, very obviously drawing inspiration from Old Man Voorhees and tacking on some trappings from other 1980s slasher flicks, this one goes old school at times and new school at others in a sickly sweet concoction that...kind of works.  I really dug the F13-inspired kills and setting, and I liked most of the cast, but again director Ragsdale falls back on comedy rather than going straight for the throat - which I really feel like he could have with this one.

And the twist ending(s) really weren't worth the few chuckles throughout.  Play it straight, just once, and see how it goes.  You've obviously got the skill to do so and can throw together strong cast after strong cast, so make a real horror movie and drop the limp jokes.

That's just my take though, your mileage will vary.

Jokes or not the kills are still pretty gnarly here, and we get some killer practical effects.  The cast and score are also strong, as is the setting (though I'd have liked to see some more action in the woods rather than just the one scene).  Who knew Ginger Lynn Allen was such a consistently good actress?  I'm beating a dead horse here, but it'd be nice to see her in non-comedy horror flick.  

And speaking of dead horses, I'm complaining again about Ragsdale teasing skin in these movies.  Over and over we have nudity teases and skimpy outfits with no payoff - it's like he's making movies for A-Pix back in the day.

Now that's a dated reference nobody will get.

Same old complaints aside, I think this is Ragsdale's best movie to date and shows his potential clearer than any of his other work.  A few tweaks and he could be producing some of the best modern retro slasher flicks out there.  A very solid 3.5 out of 5 despite the flaws, and well worth checking out.

Popeye 4: Resurrection (2026)

 

Subject:  Popeye Resurrection (Popeye 4)

Year:  2026

Director:  William Stead

Run Time:  hour or so

Cast:  Lara Sas, Steven Murphy

Genre:  murderous Popeyes and Olive Oils/evil cults

Skin:  had the chance, didn't take it

Blood:  you'd really think a crushed head would bleed, wouldn't you?

Rating:  1/5

The Story:

Killed somehow at the end of the last movie (I already forget how, but I think it was something to do with the serum or something), Popeye is no more and the heroine of the last two pictures has moved on to make a normal life for herself.  We're now some undisclosed amount of time removed from the previous films, so all is well.  Right?

Nah.

A cult is on the loose, lead by Popeye's sister Olive Oil, trying to bring the monster back from the dead.  In order to do that they need to take Cassie (Sas) back to what looks like the same damn field they're always in (with a cabin this time) so Popeye can sense her and come back  in a cloud of mist that, we can assume, smells like spinach.

This will be their final battle!  Maybe.  I can see them trying to drag another couple pictures out of this premise.

Review:

Suppose there was some sort of reason they rushed these all out at the same time?  The character is public domain, so it couldn't have been that, and there are already other killer Popeye movies on the go, so it couldn't be to try and corner that market.  My guess is after the first movie got some traction, they just filmed a ton of stuff, cut three movies out of it, and slapped them all on streaming services as quick as they could, likely to finance either more of the same or something similar.

I can't wait...

At least it isn't like back in the day, where I'd have to drop $20 a piece on DVDs to see each epic new installment.  I know I would have, and I had even less money back then.

I was kind of hopeful that this one was going to be a step in the right direction.  They got rid of a lot of the superhero stuff, with very little focus on the military angle this time out, and the addition of the cult at least makes this one stand out from parts two and three, which seem like one long bad movie cut in half.  There also seemed to be a jump in time and a removal from the same setting, so that was promising.  Or so I thought.

Unfortunately, this one ends up being more of the same.  Slightly different setup, little twist to the story and the addition of a few new characters, then we're right back in the field, killing people in bloodless ways, not showing any skin or gore or originality.  I should have known better.

While this one is marginally better than the last two, we still don't get much out of Popeye, just wasted opportunity and wasted time.  If this series is an attempt to match the much better (comparatively) Winnie the Pooh fairy tale horror series, it just isn't doing it.  Those movies keep getting better (again, comparatively), this one just rehashes the same stuff and neglects to add anything new or entertaining.

I'd like to see Lara Sas in something better than this series, as she's really the only standout in the movies.  Hopefully we get that sooner than later, and hopefully she's really done with Popeye this time.

I know I am.  Until the next one comes out.

1 out of 5.  I am what I am, and I'm sick of this crap.

Popeye 3: Requiem (2026)

 Subject:  Popeye Requiem (Popeye 3)

Year:  2026

Director:  William Stead

Run Time:  about an hour

Cast:  Lara Sas, Steven Murphy

Genre:  killer Popeyes

Skin:  can't afford that

Blood:  can't really afford that either

Rating:  0.5/5

The Story:

Remember the second movie, where we learned all about how Popeye and his sister Olive Oil (she's his sister?) were genetic freaks and part of some kind of miliary program gone awry?  Yeah, we get more of that.  Popeye breaks out of a military installation and is hunted down by soldiers.

The girl from the second movie is still around too, spreading her time between helping the soldier and running from the monster.  Towards the end we

Review:

It's hard to tell where the last movie ends and this one begins.  The same story, the same lead cast, the exact same locations.  It feels like one longer movie was broken into three parts and a little filler was shot to get them over the hour mark, making the whole thing blend together into a huge pile of nothing with a jaunty white cap sat on its angry little head.

Taking cue from the second movie, this one also backs way off on anything that might entertain the viewer.  Minimal gore effects, no nudity, reused locations, and a story that keeps on chugging out lore that I can't imagine anyone being that interested in.

Once again the two leads do a decent job, and there's an almost interesting moment at the end where someone else uses the super solider serum to fight Popeye, but it's too little, too late.  And I, for one, still don't give a good goddamn about how Popeye grew up, who his parents or siblings are, or how he ended up what he is.  Keep some of that in the shadows, bring on some fresh meat for the psycho, give them a bit of character, and let it go at that.

Worked all through the eighties, would still work today.  You can even keep the hat.

I didn't think you could get much worse than the second movie, but I'll be damned if they didn't manage it.  It feels generous to give this one a 0.5 out of 5, or to suggest anyone watch any of this series.  

I love the fact that we have a new wave of directors from the UK trying their hand at horror and old school, North American slashers, but there really needs to be some quality control on this stuff, some originality added, and a few less little kid characters being given the Slipknot overhaul.  It isn't enough to make a good movie, and you damn well know it, Stead.

Popeye's Return (2026)

 

Subject:  Popeye's Return  (Popeye 2)

Year:  2026

Director:  William Stead

Run Time:  a generous 70 mins

Cast:  Lara Sas, Steven Murphy

Genre:  murderous Popeyes

Skin:  flashback to the first movie count?  Other than that, one massive tease

Blood:  a little

Rating:  1/5

The Story:

Somewhere nearby (in the same damn field all four movies are set) the site of the first movie's bloodbath, Popeye breaks free from some sort of paramilitary thing and goes after a group of camp counselors (and one child) for...some reason.

Nowhere near the Friday the 13th setup you're thinking or we're promised, this one sees a small collection of young adults hunted by the killer in the field and surrounding woods while some military people hunt him.  There's a bit of work in explaining how he came to be what he is - some sort of super soldier experiment - though I doubt anyone came here for that.  

The story is fairly standard slasher fair with some uninteresting backstory thrown in.  Nothing to write home about, and honestly would have been far better served had they not gone with so much Popeye lore and built up the current events a bit more.

Review:

I feel like I'm one of the few people who honestly enjoyed the first movie.  It wasn't any classic, don't get me wrong, but it kept things simple and, for a modern slasher, wasn't that bad.  Would I recommend it?  To certain people, yeah - and not just for the novelty of it being a movie about a murderous Popeye.  This one though...not so much.

Usually when you get to a sequel - especially a horror or slasher movie sequel - you expect things to go up.  More boobs, more blood, more mayhem.  This one though, it seems like we're going backwards.  The old school feel of the first movie (it did have a little) is gone and we're left with what feels like a weekly episodic thing, more interested in telling a story nobody cares about than delivering the carnage the first movie (and the genre in general) promised.  The kills are watered down, what little atmosphere the first had is shot with over-explanation, there's no new nudity, and things just all around feel cheap, rushed, and rehashed.

Maybe that's why you don't do four movies in twelve months...

About the only good thing I can say for this one is the new female lead, Lara Sas, is pretty good.  The guy playing Popeye, Steven Murphy, isn't bad either, but they don't give him much to work with.  Both these actors deserve better and hopefully get it - just far away from William Stead.

For those interested in the lore behind the Popeye monster, this is your movie.  So are parts three and four.  For those looking for a slasher movie, not so much.  Dropping the ball on the few things that made the first movie watchable, this rushjob is probably best avoided.

The bad news?  There are two more.

Popeye's Revenge (2025)

 Subject:  Popeye's Revenge

Year:  2025

Director:  William Stead

Run Time:  78 mins or so

Cast:  Emily Mogilner, Connor Powles, Steven Murphy

Genre:  killer Popeyes

Skin:  twerkin' in a mine and some hot tub titties

Blood:  great gore - a lot more than I was expecting

Rating:  2.5/5

The Story:

Born deformed in a flashback, comic book scene, Popeye is a monster.  He's teased by children at school, forced to wear a silly outfit, can't get a date for prom, and eventually has to be locked in his parent's basement after he snaps.  While down there he meets a friend, Olive Oil I guess, through a door in the basement and they exchange drawings.  I guess this is important.

Anyway, the townsfolk pull a Freddy Krueger and light the house ablaze, killing Popeye's family and friend because the kid he attacked died.  I think.  Popeye escapes and takes off into the nearby woods, sinking into a lake as we fade to the current day.

Pretty good backstory for a slasher character.  Enough for me, anyway.

It's now 2025 and a group of young people are nearby, just waiting to get killed as they rebuild the old Popeye house into England's newest and best haunted house attraction.  You can probably guess where things go from there.

Review:

I have to admit, I'm kind of enjoying this new influx of wannabe grindhouse and slasher flicks that has exploded in the UK since so many of these old children's characters have become free use.  They aren't great, most of them not even close, but at least the creators (and the ITN company, which seems to be behind a lot of them) seem to be  trying to do things the right way.  Simple enough stories (most ripped off from early American slashers), blood, tits, and a load of dummies too stupid to stay the hell away from Crystal Lake...er, wherever it is this takes place.

You'll forgive me for being confused, they did use the Friday the 13th font for their title screen.  Plus the whole "he drowned in the lake fifteen year ago" thing...

Fortunately for Popeye's Revenge, the creators take more than just title card and story inspiration from ol' Jason.  We get some awesome kills - including a gnarly severed arm impaling, a ripped out spine, an anchor to the dick, and a ripped off head (though last three all on the same dude).  There's even an ode to Fulci with a slow splinter to the eye.  The fog effect that follows the monster around is also cool, and gives him more of a supernatural feel than he'd otherwise have.

Things aren't all spinach though, and there's as much bad as good in this one.  The lack of budget definitely shows in some of the kills and the story doesn't really break any new ground.  There's also the problem that the Popeye character doesn't really lend itself to horror that well.  Yeah, I get that he's your gimmick and the name is being used because it is so out of place in a horror movie, but in practice it just isn't that good.  They also show the character within the first ten minutes and that pretty much kills the novelty.

Popeye's Revenge is still a strong outing for director William Stead though.  We have some decent looking girls, a little skin, a little blood, a few good gore effects, and Steven Murphy doing his damndest to make Popeye a member of the Voorhees clan.  An easy 2.5 out of 5.  Not any kind of a classic, but a step in the right direction for old school slasher flick.